Temporary

In the last two months my life has taken a drastic turn in direction.  I thought I knew exactly where I was headed, and now, I have no idea where I will end up or what condition I will be in when I get there.  My pastor spoke this Sunday about Jesus' time in the wilderness - a time that was full of difficult trials and pain.  He then spoke about how we - like Jesus - sometimes find ourselves in the wilderness.  My pastor went on to speak about how when we are in the wilderness we find that our priorities in life can be drastically rearranged for us.  I found so much truth in his statement that I was nearly reduced to tears right there.

You see, I am in the wilderness right now.  Some of my priorities have been reordered for me regardless of whether or not I like it, while some of them I have been forced to take a serious look at and rearrange myself.  It has been a very trying time for me and for my family as I sort through and adjust to all of the changes that are smacking me in the face right now.

I have faced a lot of scrutiny and criticism.  Some of it I have been very deserving of, and I will take it and use it to grow.  As I have had time to mull over some of the other comments shot in my direction I have realized that they are not entirely true.

It has been pointed out to me on a few occasions by a few different people now that maybe since being married and becoming a mother that I have ceased to be an individual and that I have completely defined myself by my roles in my home.  At first glance it was very easy for me to see the validity in that statement; it was easy for me to accept it as fact.  After all, many of the things I used to do before marraige and motherhood are things I no longer do very often.  For instance, I no longer play in a concert band and I no longer spend much time going out with friends.  For awhile after each of my children was born I also quit reading for fun and scrapbooking.  On the surface my life looks like this:  I work, I take care of my children, I take care of our home, I support my husband while he works through school, and I spend time with my husband.  Wash, rinse, and repeat.

But in the last couple of weeks I have begun to second guess my initial thought that yes, I have ceased to be an individual.  As I have spent time with my children making "cakes" in the sandbox, dancing to the radio, wrestling, and watching them splash in the bathtub at night I have realized that I am still very much an individual.  This life I have chosen, the one that looks very bland on the surface, is actually a very full and rich life.  You see, I realized something - this moment in my life is only temporary.

It is temporary.

My children will only be small for so long.  They will only want me to play with them, read to them, snuggle them, kiss them, and tuck them into bed for so long.  They will only need me in the way that they do right at this moment for so long, and then it will be all over.  They will grow up, spend time with friends, graduate, get jobs, maybe get married and have children, and this moment in time will be gone forever.  Sure, I will always be their mother, they will always (hopefully) need me in some way, but it will never be in the same way they need me now. 

These moments are temporary.

So, yes, maybe I have put some of my own individual interests on hold for awhile.  That's okay, because all those things - my clarinet, friends, books, scrapbooks, photography - will still be waiting for me someday.  I know that my life right now is only temporary. 

This day, this moment in time right now, is for my children, and that makes it so worth putting so many things on hold for now.  I have not ceased to be an individual.  I'm living the exact life I have chosen for myself; I'm living in the moment.

And you know what else?  This wilderness I'm living in right now, these hard times, they are only temporary too.  My pastor concluded his sermon with the comment that times of trial are almost always followed by times of great personal growth, and I must say, I can feel every centimeter of painful growth.  It is hard, but I'm really starting to believe that I can come out of this trial a better person, wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, and even teacher.

For now, I will remind myself of the person I am today everyday.  I will no longer believe the lie that I am no longer an individual.  I will embrace each moment in time and live in all of those moments as fully as I can.  I will not feel guilty for choosing my children - my family - over other pursuits, because I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now.

My life is only temporary, and I will live it as fully as I can from now on.  I will live in and cherish each of these moments.

snow play

After school yesterday I let the boys play outside in what was left of our snow.  Needless to say, the three of us had a blast.  I took as many good pictures as I could with my phone!

eleven

I've never done a meme before, so here's to my first one!  I found it here.

Rules:
1. Post these rules.
2. You must post 11 random things about yourself.
3. Answer the questions set for you in their post.
4. Create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer.
5. Go to their blog and tell them you’ve tagged them.
6. No stuff in the tagging section about you are tagged if you are reading this. You legitimately have to tag 11 people.

My Eleven Things...
1.  I spent my 24th birthday in labor with my oldest son Logan.
2.  I break out in hives whenever I get extremely stressed out and overwhelmed.
3.  The worse thing I ever did as a teenager was skip band one time my senior year.
4.  I don't like the taste of alcohol, so I almost never drink.  (If I do, it is b/c I bought something I can't taste the alcohol in.)
5.  I have almost no pinky toe nail on either foot.
6.  When I was pregnant with Gavin I sneezed while teaching and wet my pants.
7.  I played the clarinet all through high school and college yet haven't touched it since my last college band concert.  I really, really miss playing.
8.  I don't like yogurt, but I really, really want to like yogurt.  So every few months I buy some, try it again, and find out I still don't like yogurt.  Same with coffee.
9.  I hate mint.  I don't even like to smell it.
10.  I love the beach.  I could sit and walk on the beach every day for the rest of my life and still find it amazing.
11.  I never chew gum...I think it is gross.

My Answers to Erin's Questions...
1. What is your greatest accomplishment?

• Logan & Gavin (Is it cheating to pick your children???)

2. If you had to wear just one color for the rest of your life, what color would it be?

• Purple ~ it is with out a doubt one my favorite after all of these years...and I don't look half bad in it!

3. What is something you've never done that you wish you could do?

• Run a 5k...in fact I'm working on that goal right now....

4. If you were on death row and had to choose a last meal, what would that meal be?

• I don't think I want to be on death row....but I'd have to go with some kind of chocolate cheesecake of sorts.

5. What was your favorite childhood toy?

• My American Girl dolls...yes, I had more than one.  In fact, I think I have five of them...

6. Is there an item that you wish existed, that you'd invent if you only knew how?

• I want one of those teleporting machines or whatever they're called from Star Trek.  I love going places, but hate the actual getting there part...especially with children strapped in the back seat!

7. If you could enter any TV show, movie or book, what would it be?

• Put me in a Nicholas Sparks romance novel please...one with a HAPPY ending (you know, guy gets girl and they live happily ever after).

8. What's your biggest pet peeve?

• I can only pick one?  Okay, probably people who stop in the middle of the aisles at stores with their carts parked diagonally and then proceed to have a long, drawn out conversation with another person who also parks their cart diagonally thus blocking the entire aisle.

9. Do you have any hueg fears (like my fear of the dark!)? What are they and how do they affect you?

• I'm scared to death of snakes.  Big ones, little ones...it doesn't matter.  They freak me out.  Though I did face my fear once and touch a teeny, tiny one at the zoo once.  I will NOT do that ever again!

10. Do you have a nickname? What is it? (I really like this question!)

• When I worked at the Pizza Ranch in high school a bunch of my co-workers called me Kass.  It stuck, and now my college friends call me Kass, and sometimes my husband still does too.

11. Tell me about a defining moment in your life.

• I'm going through one of the biggest defining moments in my life right now.  Prayers would be very welcome.

Rule #5
If you want to play...answer Erin's questions because I'm way to lazy to write my own. Especially since hers are so good.  Why reinvent the wheel right?  If you don't have a blog, feel free to post your answers in the comments!

Rule #6
I'm ignoring this rule to because I don't have eleven people to tag.  If you're reading this and you want to play go for it!  If not, that's okay too!

Couch to 5k ~ The Vacation is Over!

I haven't run in two weeks!  It is terrible, I know.  My only excuse is that I have been way to distracted by everything else going on in my life to focus on anything else.  And that is not acceptable, nor has it been healthy or beneficial for me in any way.  If anything, this obsession I've had, this desire to fix everything right now,  has been very destructive for everyone involved.  I need to change.

So, I've decided getting back into running three times a week is a good place to start.  (Okay, honestly, it is not where I'm starting in all of this, it is just the first change that I'm willing to talk about publicly.)  I left off in the middle of Week Six, so I've decided to just try starting up there again and seeing how it goes.  Depending on how I feel I may have to back up to Week Five again though I'm really hoping not to have to do that.

The goal then is to be back here next Saturday some time writing about how well Week Six has gone.  So, cross your fingers/say a prayer/wish me luck (whatever your cup of tea is), and I'll see you in a week!