defining moments

I believe in defining moments, those points in life where events and decisions - good and bad - bring a person to a crossroads.  I believe that these are the times when true character is built...for better or worse. 

It's cliché.  Cheesy even.  I know this, but I don't think it makes it any less true.  Here's what I think about it:

Defining moments are divided into two categories:  things that happen to you and choices you make.

Things that happen to you are things completely out of your control.  Death, for instance.  And these things don't have to all be bad things either...good things happen all of the time, too.  Like a new sibling (I guarantee you that I had no control in the matter when my parents presented me with a brother and then a sister, but they were good things that happened, and they played a part in defining my character).

The second category is the choices we make.  Choices, of course, are good and bad.  There are the obvious bad ones:  drugs and stealing and lying, etc.  And there are the obvious good ones:  college and marriage and family, etc. 

But categorizing defining moments is just the beginning.  After all, things happen to each and everyone of us every day.  And we make choices every single day.  Not all are deeply impactful.  No, those moments are fewer and farther between.

And its not just about what happens or what choices were made or how impactful it was, it's about what we do with those things once they are sitting in our laps and staring us in the face.  Do we let it beat us down or do we pick ourselves up?  Do we learn from it or do we keep repeating the same things again and again?  What kind of character do we display in these moments and how does it shape our future moments?  

I believe in defining moments.

And lately, I've been thinking about defining moments a lot.  My moments.

I'm in that place right now, at my very own crossroads once again.  I've been sitting on the fence for too long, just waiting for someone else to take action, to force me to fall off on one side or the other.  It's like I'd rather react than take on the responsibility of action.  Action is scary.  It requires making a change.

But I did it.  I got off the fence.  It wasn't graceful, and it's not going down in history as my shiniest moment.  And now I'm standing at another crossroads created by another one of my defining moments.

I believe in defining moments.


And I believe in marriage and family.

I choose my marriage and my family. 

Again.

For better or worse.

when the well runs dry

I feel this urge to write.  To just blather on and on with no point and no end.  Maybe it is because I hardly ever write anymore.  Not on this blog, not in a journal, not an email to a friend.  And I don't take pictures.  And I can't remember the last book I read AND finished.  And I don't want to create anything...not a scrapbook page, not a new recipe, not a new anything.  Exercise?  Forget it - don't want to do that either.  Somewhere in these last few months I've started cutting myself off.  Not on purpose mind you!  Just a side effect of letting life get too busy, letting the little things get too big.  Losing sight of my priorities.  And the result?  A slow erosion of the things that keep me inspired, joyful, and let's face it, sane.

And now my well is dry.  Really dry.  What's the cliché?  Bone dry?  Yup, that's me.  Bone dry.  Not an ounce of energy left in my cells for anything.

I hate it.

I hate that I can't seem to recognize that I'm headed toward burn out until I'm there.  I hate that when I crash, I have trouble picking myself up again.  I hate how I know exactly what I need to start doing to start pulling myself out of the fog, but the very idea of doing it is so exhausting that I don't want to start.  I hate that I start to think, "Hey, its sucks being right here where I am, but it'd be a heck of a lot easier to just stay here then do the work to get moving again." 

Right now, I especially hate that burn out has chosen RIGHT NOW to strike.  Right now when Thanksgiving is days away, and I have a dinner to prepare.  Right now when Christmas is fast approaching and there is just so much to do.  Right now when I need to be more focused than ever on my marriage and my family.  Right now when above all, I need to be focused on God because I know that I can't pull any of this off on my own.

But I am just so tired.  Too tired to make a plan; too tired to make a list.  Too tired.

what my house really looks like [my return to blogging?]

I look at Facebook and Pinterest, and I read blogs.  I see all these pictures of perfectly decorated, perfectly tidy, perfectly clean homes.

And then I look around at mine...

My house is not straight out of the latest home décor magazine.  As much as I might try to fool people into thinking it is.  I admit...when pictures of my home show up on my accounts (let's say Christmas for example) I have picked the best pictures I could find.  In fact, I created the best pictures I could find before taking them.  When I know it's going to be showing up on the internet for everyone to see, I make sure to have cleaned and organized that space perfectly before hand.

I get kinda tired of pretending to be perfect, to have it all together.  I mean, everyone already knows its an act, so what's the point? 

It's not just home stuff either.  It's everything.  I'm not a perfect wife or mother or daughter or sister or teacher either.  I'm not a perfect anything.  I fall short.  And then I try to fool others into thinking I don't.  Which, if you really think about it, is completely silly since none of us are perfect.  And we know that.  And then we try to pretend we are perfect in order to fool others who we know and they know aren't perfect either.  Its an exhausting and confusing cycle and I'm really tired of it.  So...I think I'll just try not to do it anymore. 

So let's start with my house...  I actually feel kind of bad about the pictures I'm going to show.  Not because they prove things get messy and generally stay messy around here, but because they are actually kind of mild on the mess.  Like...I had already started cleaning the kitchen before I had this whole idea to take pictures of my house as is.  So...here's my disclaimer:  these pictures come after a bit of sprucing...but not on purpose.  Just because sprucing is necessary sometimes.  Can't be eating off dirty forks after all.

While we are here, lets look at the kitchen...

Like I said... pretty mild since I had just tackled some dishes.  Now turn around and check out that "dinning room" (a.k.a. extended space from the kitchen).

I know dinning room tables are supposed to be for eating on, and shelves and hutches are supposed to be fore pretties, but since this is right inside our garage entrance, these things work very well as "catch-all" spaces.  That's a nice way of saying a place to pile all our crap instead of just putting it away right away.  Ooops.

Now on to the "TV room."  Originally when we bought the giant TV of my husbands dreams and the furniture to go with it, we said that it would be a "toy free zone."  You can see how that's working out...

The "TV room" is just really part of one big space.  We turned the other half of the room into the "formal" (HA!) living room/office.  Calling it an office is a nice way of saying "place we put the desk."  The desk is Justin's space and it pretty much always looks messy.  He has an organized chaos I leave alone unless I'm trying to dust. 

Okay.  Now down the hall.  First stop is the laundry room.  Turns out I didn't take a picture of that.  There's a washer, a dryer, and a litter box.  Basically this means that there is a constant supply of cat litter sprinkled across the floor and a basket full of dirty laundry.  Enough said.

Next...the third bedroom.  Home to our old TV, a twin bed, and the Ninja Turtle lair.  This room actually is at its best now (at least in these pictures) because I have relocated the art stuff so it is no longer covered in crayons and paper scraps.  This is where I send the kids to watch TV when I can't stomach another episode of whatever cartoon they're obsessed with at the moment.

Oh...I forgot to mention that this room is also where I hang-dry my delicates.  And really, I should have taken a new picture, because currently the bed is stripped, the mattress is leaning against the closet, and the box spring is waiting to be repaired.  (My kids like jumping on the bed even though they know they are not supposed to which is why the box spring is broken.)  Oh, and it's been that way for a week now.  It probably won't get fixed until my sister comes to visit and needs a place to sleep.  We are procrastinators like that. 

Onto the next room:  the hall bathroom.  Also referred to as the "boys' bathroom."  This is a scary place.  I don't go in here unless I'm cleaning it or have no choice.  Two young boys brushing their teeth and using the toilet...its scary.

Walk with me down the hall a little further (like two steps - we don't have a huge house here).  Its a bedroom shared by my boys.  There are always toys everywhere and the beds are never made because bunk beds are a pain to make for me, much less them.  I'd just rather not fight that battle. 

You know how I said two seconds ago that I don't like making bunk beds because they are a pain?  Really, I just don't like making beds at all.  Ours is proof.  I make it when I change the sheets.  Obviously I hadn't just changed the sheets on this particular day.  We had also just gotten back from our Fourth of July trip and hadn't really bothered to completely unpack.  If there wasn't a suitcase on the floor there would be a pile of Justin's worn-but-not-dirty-yet clothes anyway, so it's still a pretty accurate representation of the norm.

Huh.  I forgot to take a picture of our master bath.  Oh well.  Just picture the boys' bathroom but with the toilet seat down.  And the sink is generally a little tidier.  We are grown-up after all!

I probably should have taken some pictures of the outside of our house, too.  Currently all of the landscaping is overgrown and the grass was do for a cut a week ago.  The back yard and patio are covered in toys that haven't been picked up, and I desperately need to pull weeds.  I hate yard work though.  Mainly because I seem to be allergic to grass and growing things and always break out in hives when I have to do it.  Needless to say...our house doesn't look perfect from the outside either.

The truth is...just a couple of years ago, my house did look pretty perfect most of the time.  I was obsessed with keeping everything picked up and perfect.  I freaked out over toys on the floor and dust on the TV and dirty dishes in the sink. But it was too much.  My life started to spin out of control.  I was like one of those circus performers that spin plates on sticks, and I was exhausted and my family was suffering for it.  So, I decided to drop some plates.  The perfectly ordered house was one of those plates.  And my life is better for it...even if it is a bit messier around here. 

Stay tuned...I'm planning to keep on posting this time.  I like talking about being real.


P.S.  Potential burglars...I just gave you the entire layout of my house.  I also think it's pretty clear I have very little worth stealing unless you're looking to upgrade your Ninja Turtle collection.  Please pass on by my house without stopping.