Something to Say

I am exhausted. 

I am bruised and broken.

I am rejected and hurt.

I am weak.

It is easy to be at this point and feel like I have been abandoned by God.  It is easy to be at this point and give up hope, to accept that maybe happiness isn't meant to be mine.  It is easy to be at this point and give up, to call myself a failure.

It is not easy to have faith in God's plan.  It is not easy to keep hoping, to believe that happiness is something that I will experience again.  It is not easy to keep pushing forward, to keep trying, to remember - as my counselor put it - to try is not to fail, to fail is not to try.

Today I went to work feeling tired, broken, rejected, hurt, weak.  And then I read this quote on my daily calendar:

I've learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not our circumstances.  ~Martha Washington

And after reading this quote, something my pastor said in his Easter Sunday service struck home with me:  God turns our failures into opportunities.

For too many  years I tried to be strong on my own, successful on my own, happy on my own...

 And I failed. 

Miserably.

I have allowed the world to break me down to nothing, and I can mope around about how awful everything is....or I can change my disposition and see this time in my life as an opportunity. 

An opportunity to be strong through God's strength.

An opportunity to be successful by following God's will for my life.

An opportunity to be happy by living out God's plans.

This is very hard for me.  Like I said earlier, it is much easier to just give up, to continue to live in a way that is familiar even though it clearly does not work.  It is hard to enact real change.  It is hard to be patient, to wait, to trust that God is there and He is working through all of this.

But...here I am.  Ready to trust...at least for tonight.  It is day-by-day for me - sometimes even minute-by-minute - but here I am all the same.

You Capture ~ White

I haven't done a You Capture in three months.  Truth is, I've barely lifted my camera in three months.  So when I decided to pick up my camera and take some pictures I was a little surprised to find that the battery was dead!  I thought to my self "No big deal.  I'll just get out my point and shoot."  Turns out the batteries in that camera were all used up too!  I darn near gave up at that point, but instead slipped new batteries into the point and shoot and plugged my other camera battery in to charge.  Then I went out and took this picture of white:

Not bad for a point and shoot if I do say so myself!  (and I do say so!)

Then this weekend I pulled out my DSLR (with freshly charged battery of course) and attached my new (just got it for Christmas) 50mm lens and snapped these babies:

And just so you don't think I just take pictures of weeds - I mean dandelions - here's a couple of my precious babies:

And these totally fit the challenge, because there is a white stripe on Gavin's shirt and Logan is giving me a white "flower."  Aren't I sneaky?

And just to prove that I haven't been paying much attention, it turns out that You Capture is now on Mondays, so I'm two days late with this post instead of one day early...ugh...

Oh well!  Happy Capturing!

a bucket list

So, I made this list of 101 goals back in November and posted in on my blog in December.  Since then, I haven't really done a whole lot with the list.  In fact, what has gotten done has been more by accident than design.  I just haven't felt very goal oriented or motivated these days.

Last week was Spring Break, and for whatever reason (maybe because I actually had time?), I started to think about my goals.  I pulled up my list, and I realized that it read more like a really ridiculous "to do" list rather than a list of goals.  I decided I needed to make some changes; I decided I needed to make it less of a "to do" list and more of a "bucket list."  After a lot of changes, it is still partly just a "to do" list, but now it includes some really great things that I think could not only challenge me, but also be enjoyable.  So, here it is...

101 Things to Do

Start Date:  November 22, 2011

End Date:  August 17, 2014

Health:

1. Weigh 130 lbs. 
2. Exercise 5 times a week for 1 month
3. Strength train two times a week
4. Jog for 30 minutes straight
5. Run a 5k
6. Go on a bike ride on the Katy trail
7. Find 10 new healthy recipes for dinner
8. Wear my retainer every night for a month
9. Get an eye exam!

Family:

10. Take a family vacation
11. Take a family camping trip
12. Do a fun activity as a family once a month for three months
13. Go on a cruise with my sister
14. Take the boys to the zoo in St Louis
15. Take the boys to the science center in St. Louis
16. Visit the nature center in Springfield
17. Take the boys to a parade
18. Get a family photo taken
19. Read the boys at least one book every night for a month
20. Spend a half an hour each day playing with the boys – NO distractions!
21. Have a movie night once a month with Logan for three months
22. Buy a Christmas tree for the boys to decorate Completed November 2011

Marriage:

23. Have one date night out of the house every month 
24. Read Love and Respect with Justin
25. Go on a vacation just the two of us
26. Make our next three anniversaries special
27. Read a book for fun with Justin
28. Spend one night a week just the two of us for a month

Friends:

29. Get together with Rae, Marcia, and Miranda
30. Continue sending monthly emails to Rae, Marcia, & Miranda
31. Get Rae a baby gift Completed December 2011
32. Get Miranda a baby gift
33. Plan a get together with Derek & Sarah at least twice a year
34. Plan summer play dates for the boys and me!

Spiritual:

35. Pray every night for thirty days
36. Pray as a family before dinner
37. Read a daily devotional every morning for a month
38. Read the entire Bible 
39. Have  God time for 30 minutes every day for 30 days
40. Do a personal book study
41. Write in my prayer journal every night for a month
42. Get baptized again?

Financial:

43. Save money by spending more than $50 per month on eating out for 31 days 
44. Pay off our credit card
45. Build up a savings account again
46. Get Logan’s savings account to $750
47. Get Gavin’s savings account to $500
48. Get the boys bunk beds
49. Buy new car seats for Logan Completed January 2012

Household:

50. Landscape the front yard with stones
51. Learn how to plant a garden
52. Plant a summer garden
53. Put up a privacy fence in the backyard 
54. Start recycling
55. Learn how to compost
56. Learn how to coupon
57. Plan eight weeks of menus that can be rotated
58. Pack away all of the boys’ outgrown clothing Completed February 2012
59. Pack away all of the infant toys Completed February 2012
60. Donate all of our baby clothes and gear to Goodwill (or someone)
61. Paint (and decorate?) the laundry room
62. Repaint and redecorate the guest bathroom
63. Repaint and redecorate the master bathroom
64. Clean out and reorganize the hall closet
65. Clean out and reorganize kitchen cabinets
66. Replace the air filter in the heater every six months
67. Frame and hang collages of the boys
68. Re-hang Gavin’s birth announcement in his bedroom
69. Find a new, space-saving way to store DVDs
70. Re-organize and find space for all of our photo books Completed March 2012
71. Create a weekly cleaning schedule
72. Stick to a weekly cleaning schedule for one month

Personal:

73. No TV for 30 days
74. Make an address/telephone book of all friends and family
75. Send out Christmas cards
76. Send birthday cards to all immediate family members and close friends for a year
77. Finish our Beach Vacation scrapbook
78. Finish Logan’s second year scrapbook
79. Make Logan’s third year scrapbook
80. Finish updating Gavin’s baby book
81. Finish updating Logan’s baby book
82. Update Logan’s portrait book
83. Create a portrait book for Gavin
84. Blog every day for a month
85. Comment on each blog I read at least once a week for a month
86. Watch all of my seasons of One Tree Hill
87. Take a photography class
88. Learn how to use the white balance on my camera
89. Learn how to use the different flash settings on my camera
90. Participate in You Capture every week for three months
91. Complete a 365 photo challenge
92. Learn how to use photoshop (take a class???)
93. Keep my car clutter free, vacuumed, and dusted for 3 months
94. Play clarinet in a concert band
95. Get a manicure
96. Get a massage
97. Find a really great red/pink lipstick
98. Learn to shoot a gun…and do it well!
99. Learn how to grill using charcoal (or gas too!)

Work:

100.                      Re-organize and write units for Communications

101.                      Find two new novel units that can be used in any class

Blessings

It is no secret that my family and I have been going through a very difficult time for awhile now.  Last week (or maybe the week before?) a good friend of mine sent me a link to a youtube video.  She told me that it was a great song - one of her favorites at the moment - and that she thought I might like it knowing what I was going through.  She also warned me that it would probably make me cry.  I tried to watch it - like three different times - but just couldn't get through it.  I just didn't want to hear those words!

Then today, another friend of mine (who doesn't even know my other friend!) emailed me an attachment to the exact same song.  I took it as a sign that maybe it was time to listen to the whole song, that maybe - just maybe - God is trying to tell me something.

So I listened.

And I did tear up.

And it was good.


"Blessings"
Laura Story

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

http://www.lyricshall.com/lyrics/Laura+Story/Blessings/

There are big changes on the horizon for me, for my children, for my husband.  I don't even begin to presume to know what those changes are going to look like, but I do trust that God will use these hurts and hardships for good if I will let Him.

Temporary

In the last two months my life has taken a drastic turn in direction.  I thought I knew exactly where I was headed, and now, I have no idea where I will end up or what condition I will be in when I get there.  My pastor spoke this Sunday about Jesus' time in the wilderness - a time that was full of difficult trials and pain.  He then spoke about how we - like Jesus - sometimes find ourselves in the wilderness.  My pastor went on to speak about how when we are in the wilderness we find that our priorities in life can be drastically rearranged for us.  I found so much truth in his statement that I was nearly reduced to tears right there.

You see, I am in the wilderness right now.  Some of my priorities have been reordered for me regardless of whether or not I like it, while some of them I have been forced to take a serious look at and rearrange myself.  It has been a very trying time for me and for my family as I sort through and adjust to all of the changes that are smacking me in the face right now.

I have faced a lot of scrutiny and criticism.  Some of it I have been very deserving of, and I will take it and use it to grow.  As I have had time to mull over some of the other comments shot in my direction I have realized that they are not entirely true.

It has been pointed out to me on a few occasions by a few different people now that maybe since being married and becoming a mother that I have ceased to be an individual and that I have completely defined myself by my roles in my home.  At first glance it was very easy for me to see the validity in that statement; it was easy for me to accept it as fact.  After all, many of the things I used to do before marraige and motherhood are things I no longer do very often.  For instance, I no longer play in a concert band and I no longer spend much time going out with friends.  For awhile after each of my children was born I also quit reading for fun and scrapbooking.  On the surface my life looks like this:  I work, I take care of my children, I take care of our home, I support my husband while he works through school, and I spend time with my husband.  Wash, rinse, and repeat.

But in the last couple of weeks I have begun to second guess my initial thought that yes, I have ceased to be an individual.  As I have spent time with my children making "cakes" in the sandbox, dancing to the radio, wrestling, and watching them splash in the bathtub at night I have realized that I am still very much an individual.  This life I have chosen, the one that looks very bland on the surface, is actually a very full and rich life.  You see, I realized something - this moment in my life is only temporary.

It is temporary.

My children will only be small for so long.  They will only want me to play with them, read to them, snuggle them, kiss them, and tuck them into bed for so long.  They will only need me in the way that they do right at this moment for so long, and then it will be all over.  They will grow up, spend time with friends, graduate, get jobs, maybe get married and have children, and this moment in time will be gone forever.  Sure, I will always be their mother, they will always (hopefully) need me in some way, but it will never be in the same way they need me now. 

These moments are temporary.

So, yes, maybe I have put some of my own individual interests on hold for awhile.  That's okay, because all those things - my clarinet, friends, books, scrapbooks, photography - will still be waiting for me someday.  I know that my life right now is only temporary. 

This day, this moment in time right now, is for my children, and that makes it so worth putting so many things on hold for now.  I have not ceased to be an individual.  I'm living the exact life I have chosen for myself; I'm living in the moment.

And you know what else?  This wilderness I'm living in right now, these hard times, they are only temporary too.  My pastor concluded his sermon with the comment that times of trial are almost always followed by times of great personal growth, and I must say, I can feel every centimeter of painful growth.  It is hard, but I'm really starting to believe that I can come out of this trial a better person, wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, and even teacher.

For now, I will remind myself of the person I am today everyday.  I will no longer believe the lie that I am no longer an individual.  I will embrace each moment in time and live in all of those moments as fully as I can.  I will not feel guilty for choosing my children - my family - over other pursuits, because I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now.

My life is only temporary, and I will live it as fully as I can from now on.  I will live in and cherish each of these moments.

snow play

After school yesterday I let the boys play outside in what was left of our snow.  Needless to say, the three of us had a blast.  I took as many good pictures as I could with my phone!

eleven

I've never done a meme before, so here's to my first one!  I found it here.

Rules:
1. Post these rules.
2. You must post 11 random things about yourself.
3. Answer the questions set for you in their post.
4. Create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer.
5. Go to their blog and tell them you’ve tagged them.
6. No stuff in the tagging section about you are tagged if you are reading this. You legitimately have to tag 11 people.

My Eleven Things...
1.  I spent my 24th birthday in labor with my oldest son Logan.
2.  I break out in hives whenever I get extremely stressed out and overwhelmed.
3.  The worse thing I ever did as a teenager was skip band one time my senior year.
4.  I don't like the taste of alcohol, so I almost never drink.  (If I do, it is b/c I bought something I can't taste the alcohol in.)
5.  I have almost no pinky toe nail on either foot.
6.  When I was pregnant with Gavin I sneezed while teaching and wet my pants.
7.  I played the clarinet all through high school and college yet haven't touched it since my last college band concert.  I really, really miss playing.
8.  I don't like yogurt, but I really, really want to like yogurt.  So every few months I buy some, try it again, and find out I still don't like yogurt.  Same with coffee.
9.  I hate mint.  I don't even like to smell it.
10.  I love the beach.  I could sit and walk on the beach every day for the rest of my life and still find it amazing.
11.  I never chew gum...I think it is gross.

My Answers to Erin's Questions...
1. What is your greatest accomplishment?

• Logan & Gavin (Is it cheating to pick your children???)

2. If you had to wear just one color for the rest of your life, what color would it be?

• Purple ~ it is with out a doubt one my favorite after all of these years...and I don't look half bad in it!

3. What is something you've never done that you wish you could do?

• Run a 5k...in fact I'm working on that goal right now....

4. If you were on death row and had to choose a last meal, what would that meal be?

• I don't think I want to be on death row....but I'd have to go with some kind of chocolate cheesecake of sorts.

5. What was your favorite childhood toy?

• My American Girl dolls...yes, I had more than one.  In fact, I think I have five of them...

6. Is there an item that you wish existed, that you'd invent if you only knew how?

• I want one of those teleporting machines or whatever they're called from Star Trek.  I love going places, but hate the actual getting there part...especially with children strapped in the back seat!

7. If you could enter any TV show, movie or book, what would it be?

• Put me in a Nicholas Sparks romance novel please...one with a HAPPY ending (you know, guy gets girl and they live happily ever after).

8. What's your biggest pet peeve?

• I can only pick one?  Okay, probably people who stop in the middle of the aisles at stores with their carts parked diagonally and then proceed to have a long, drawn out conversation with another person who also parks their cart diagonally thus blocking the entire aisle.

9. Do you have any hueg fears (like my fear of the dark!)? What are they and how do they affect you?

• I'm scared to death of snakes.  Big ones, little ones...it doesn't matter.  They freak me out.  Though I did face my fear once and touch a teeny, tiny one at the zoo once.  I will NOT do that ever again!

10. Do you have a nickname? What is it? (I really like this question!)

• When I worked at the Pizza Ranch in high school a bunch of my co-workers called me Kass.  It stuck, and now my college friends call me Kass, and sometimes my husband still does too.

11. Tell me about a defining moment in your life.

• I'm going through one of the biggest defining moments in my life right now.  Prayers would be very welcome.

Rule #5
If you want to play...answer Erin's questions because I'm way to lazy to write my own. Especially since hers are so good.  Why reinvent the wheel right?  If you don't have a blog, feel free to post your answers in the comments!

Rule #6
I'm ignoring this rule to because I don't have eleven people to tag.  If you're reading this and you want to play go for it!  If not, that's okay too!