Sunday, October 7, 2012

10 more...

To see my first ten click here.
 
11.  Ha Ha Tonka
 
 
12.  First day of kindergarten
 

 
13.  Birthdays
 
 
14.  Cake
 
 
15.  Wild Flowers
 
 
16.  Father and Son
 
 
17.  Family hiking trips
 
 
18.  Getting flowers
 
 
19.  Blue skies
 
 
20.  Home
 


Friday, October 5, 2012

Ten Gifts...

1.  Logan
 

2.  Gavin
 
 
3.  Summer days
 
 
4.  Happy Hour at Sonic
 
 
5.  Picnics
 
 
6.  Evenings at the park
 
 
7.  Books (for me and for them)
 
 
8.  Fire rings with s'mores and friends
 
 
9.  Kittens
 
 
10.  Rainbows
 
 

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Blessings

When life gets hard, it is easy to start over looking the blessings that are still abundant in life.  And wants the belief that "I have nothing" sets in, it is pretty easy to make the leap to "I have nothing to give others either."  I've been in that place lately - that place of "I have nothing and nothing to offer."  Last night my five year old, Logan, showed me how mistaken I was...


You know how a few times a year places like gas stations or restaurants will ask you if you'd like to donate a dollar to some charity or another as you are cashing out?  I almost always donate the dollar (the only time I say no is when I've already done it multiple times).  Right now, the gas station I use is doing one of those charities, and the money goes to a children's hospital, and the flyers they have for you to sign your name on and hang up picture a coule of different babies dressed up in Halloween costumes.

On Tuesday morning I needed to get gas before I dropped Logan off for kindergarten, so I decided to treat him to a doughnut.  I pumped gas, we went inside, picked up what we needed, and went to the register where I was asked if I'd like to donate a dollar.  I, of course, said yes. 

And, of course, Logan started asking a million questions about what I was doing.

I explained to him that we were giving the baby dressed up as a bumble bee a dollar because he, and other children like him, were sick and needed help.  I then chose to write Logan's name on the flyer and the cashier let Logan tape it to the wall himself.  He was so excited as he carefully picked a spot to hang a picture of his little baby, the baby he helped.

Once we were in the car again and making the short drive over to the school he began asking me again about the little boy.  I tried to explain in more detail about how we were helping him.  He finally seemed satisfied, hopped out of the car, and went into school.

And I didn't hear him say a thing about it again, until...


...last night.  Sure, it was only 36 hours later, but to a five year old, that's a life time!

I was picking him up from Jive (our church's Wednesday night youth program), and he was showing me his work.  They had done a paper over what/who they were praying for.  Logan - who's just learning to read and write - had only written jumbled up letters on his this time.  I began asking him to explain what he had drawn and written.  There was the usual like Iron Man and Gavin and me.  And then out of nowhere he pointed to a group of letters and said, "Mom, that's the baby I helped.  I'm praying for him." 

I was so, so happy!  My sweet Logan had recognized the beauty of what we did that Tuesday morning.  My five year old child was still thinking about and praying for the children we had helped with that one tiny donation.

And in that moment, my son reminded me of some of the amazing blessings I have in my life right now.  I don't have much, but I have a dollar to give to charity.  I have two beautifuly, healthy children.  I have an amazing church family.  I have so many blessings in my life!

I need to stop focusing on what I've lost, what I don't have, what I might never have.  I need to start focusing on what I still have and always will have - love, family, friendship, faith.  Those are the things that really matter - especially now when things are tough.


So, thank you, Lord, for blessing me with so many wonderful people and things here on this earth.  Thank you for reminding me of those beautiful blessings.  And when I start to forget again, to loose myself, please remind me once again of the beauty you've placed in my life!

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

When life hands you lemons...

You know that phrase "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade"?  Yeah, I hate that phrase, and believe me, I do not use the the word "hate" lightly.  My situation right now is painful and hard, and I have been trying very hard for a very long time to "make lemonade" out of all of this chaos. 

Guess what?

I'm tired of it!

I'm tired of putting on a brave face.  I'm tired of telling people I'm okay when I'm not.  I'm tired of telling myself I'm okay in hopes that one of these times it will be true.  I'm tired of stuffing the pain down deep to "deal with later" knowing that if I had my way, later would never come. 

Today, I am giving myself permission to have a bad day.  I'm giving myself permission to be withdrawn and quiet and sad.  I'm giving myself permission to tell people that "No, I'm not okay.  I'm having a bad day."  I've even decided to sit here and rant and rave at God about what a lousy hand He's dealt me lately (Hey - if David can do it, so can I darn it!).  No matter what, I absolutely refuse to "make lemonade" out of this crummy day.

And you know what?  I think I've finally decided that it is okay to have a bad day and shout it to the world.  Now, I'm not saying it's okay to take my anger, hurt, and frustration out on others, particularly those I love dearly, but I am saying that it is okay to not be okay.  And even more, it is okay to let others know I'm not okay. 

Just for today.

Then, tonight, before I turn out the light and try to sleep, I'll write in my journal.  I'll write down the people I'm praying for and remember that my life, as hard as it is, isn't so bad.  I'll write down the things I'm thankful for and see that my life, as painful as it is, is still being beautifully blessed by God.  And I'll write down my hopes for tomorrow and trust that my life, no matter how uncertain things are, is in God's hands.

Maybe if I give myself permission to feel what I'm feeling today, I won't have so much of it to feel tomorrow.  Maybe then tomorrow will be a better day.

Maybe tomorrow I can go back to "making lemonade" out of a lemon-filled week.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Writer's Block

I have a form of writer's block right now.  In fact, I've had it since January.  I sit down in front of a blank screen, and I want to write.  I want to write out every feeling....

But, I can't.

It wouldn't be right to come here and air out every trouble I've had.  It's one thing to come here and tell my happy stories or the happy stories of my children.  It's even okay to tell the happy stories of others - as long as I have their permission.  It's easy to share the happy things in life.

But...life ain't always happy.

Right now, really for months, I've been going through something hard, something very, very painful.  And it's not just my story to write out.  It involves too many people in my life, people I love very much, even now after everything that has happened and is happening.  I just don't feel like I have the right to come here and uncover it all for everyone to see and judge.  And, it has all been such a huge part of my life for so long that it has been hard to focus on anything else, to write about anything else.

So...here I am...with nothing to write, nothing that I can write.

And with that, I realize that I have let this part of my life have way too much control of my everyday dealings.  I have let it cloud the good, force out the joy.  As I stand on the edge of an even harder season of my life, I realize that I have to find...something. 

Maybe even something to write about...

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Breaking Silence

I haven't been blogging.  (Obviously!  Just take a look at my history - only one post since the beginning of May!)  So, here I am.  Ready to break my silence.  You see, I've been distracted, my focus elsewhere, as I dealt with one of life's huge stumbling blocks.  You know the kind?  The events so great they change the course of your entire life?  (Okay, so that sounds over dramatic.  Well, it's not!)

Needless to say, things aren't really going the way I hoped.  I'm not conquering this particular ten month long stumbling block in quite the way I had planned.  (The problem with being in relationship with other people is that one can only control one's own actions and not that of others.  Makes it a little more difficult to get the outcome one is looking for.  Annoying isn't it?)  Seems, too, that God has different plans for how all of this is going to turn out, and He is doing His darnedest to show me how to handle situations in "His" way. 

For example:

I put my children to bed, showered, and contemplated wallowing in my own sorrow and doubting my recent choices.  Instead, I felt a strong urge to pick up my homework for counseling - a book and study guide called Boundaries* - and do something with it.  (Okay, okay, I have counseling tomorrow, and really, I just didn't want to look bad by not having done anything this week.  Can't let on that I've been wallowing right?  Not even to my counselor right?)  But that's not the point, the point is that I did pick up the book, and here's what I read:

In addition to our respecting God's boundaries and his respecting ours, he is a good model for how we should respect our own property.  Whenever God decides that "enough is enough," he respects his own property enough to do something to make it better.  He takes responsibility for the pain he is feeling and moves to make his life different.  He, for instance, lets go of rejecting people and reaches out to some new friends.  When we are hurting, we need to take responsibility for our heart and move to make things better, just as God does (pp. 240-241).**

And then I had to answer some tough questions in the workbook.  And then I was able to see - once again - that I made a sound decision a week ago, that I did what I needed to do to protect myself from more of the same kind of hurt. 

Sure, the choice I made has brought on a new kind of hurt.  In fact, I've hurt so bad in the last few days it caused me to doubt myself!  After all, if I did the right thing then in shouldn't hurt right?  Turns out that I'm learning - once again - that sometimes doing the right thing is doing the most painful thing...at least at first. 

Each section of my workbook ends with a prayer, and tonight two lines really hit home for me:

Teach me to take responsiblilty for situations in my life and for the pain I"m feeling.  Give me courage when that means letting go of the familiar and reaching out to something new.***

I'll be honest, I'm scared right now.  In the past week there have been times when the fear has become so strong that I have almost felt paralyzed by it.  Letting go and starting over is not easy.  "Reaching out to something new" is not something I'm good at or do, like, ever!  It is hard and very, very scary.

So....right now I'm doing the only thing I can do.  I'm putting one foot in front of the other and not trying to see too far into the future.  I'm going to put my trust in God, and I'm going to start trying to do a better job of trusting myself.

Oh...and I'm going to try to do a better job of blogging again...


*Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend.  Boundaries.
**Doubt my (okay, the author's) words?  Read Matthew 22:1-14.  It's a good one!
***Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend.  Boundaries:  Workbook.  187.


P.S.  I do know how to do proper citations, so I know these aren't it, but I don't care!  I'm not in school here!

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Sunrise


I don't remember the last time I saw the sun rise...


Today, I had this rare opportunity to get up and sit outside...



The boys and I are in Iowa visiting friends and family...


Despite a late night of fun and laughter, I found myself wide awake early this morning...


So, my camera and I went out on the back patio to sit and wait and watch and capture...


It was quiet and peaceful...


It was beautiful...


It was exactly what I needed to start this day...


Good morning, everyone!  May the rest of the day be as beautiful as it started!