You know that phrase "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade"? Yeah, I hate that phrase, and believe me, I do not use the the word "hate" lightly. My situation right now is painful and hard, and I have been trying very hard for a very long time to "make lemonade" out of all of this chaos.
I'm tired of it!
I'm tired of putting on a brave face. I'm tired of telling people I'm okay when I'm not. I'm tired of telling myself I'm okay in hopes that one of these times it will be true. I'm tired of stuffing the pain down deep to "deal with later" knowing that if I had my way, later would never come.
Today, I am giving myself permission to have a bad day. I'm giving myself permission to be withdrawn and quiet and sad. I'm giving myself permission to tell people that "No, I'm not okay. I'm having a bad day." I've even decided to sit here and rant and rave at God about what a lousy hand He's dealt me lately (Hey - if David can do it, so can I darn it!). No matter what, I absolutely refuse to "make lemonade" out of this crummy day.
And you know what? I think I've finally decided that it is okay to have a bad day and shout it to the world. Now, I'm not saying it's okay to take my anger, hurt, and frustration out on others, particularly those I love dearly, but I am saying that it is okay to not be okay. And even more, it is okay to let others know I'm not okay.
Just for today.
Then, tonight, before I turn out the light and try to sleep, I'll write in my journal. I'll write down the people I'm praying for and remember that my life, as hard as it is, isn't so bad. I'll write down the things I'm thankful for and see that my life, as painful as it is, is still being beautifully blessed by God. And I'll write down my hopes for tomorrow and trust that my life, no matter how uncertain things are, is in God's hands.
Maybe if I give myself permission to feel what I'm feeling today, I won't have so much of it to feel tomorrow. Maybe then tomorrow will be a better day.
Maybe tomorrow I can go back to "making lemonade" out of a lemon-filled week.