slipping

Perfectionsit - an adjective that describes me. 

I want everything to be perfect all of the time.  ALL. OF. THE. TIME.  The problem is that most things that I want to be perfect involve other people and other people seem to rarely be able to perform up to my unreasonably high expectations. 

And then there is me.  I'm involved in everything I do (clearly) and I am never perfect.  Never.  And this leads to failure.

FAILURE.  Every. Single. Day.

Eventually I can't take it anymore.  I give up.  I draw myself inward and away.  I make myself numb so I don't have to feel the shame of all of that failure.

That's how I live:  one extreme to the other.  Perfection or nothing.  Why am I so incapable of finding a balance between the two?  Why can't I just cherish the good (not perfect) moments and let the not so great just roll off?  Why can't I keep moving forward?  Why am I always stuck wishing I could hold on to a moment or go back in time and change another?

That's where I am right now.  Slipping towards numb.