Tuesday, November 13, 2012

What I Want

I want to run.  You know, be one of those people that gets up and runs in the mornings (or sometime during the day) for exercise on a regular basis.  I want to be one of those people that runs in races:  5ks, 6ks, half marathons...  Though probably not a whole marathon, ever.  That sounds scary.

More than anything, I just want to have that drive, that motivation, that determination.  I want to love doing something so much that I just can't not do it.  I want something that is just for me.  A pocket, a space, in my world that has nothing to do with anyone else.  Something I don't have to share.  Something that I protect so fully that the only way another person - or something else - can invade is if I want it to.  And I want to protect this thing so strongly that I rarely want to let life invade.

I don't really know why I want that thing to be running.  I'm not even really sure that thing has to be running.  I just know that running is what I've tried to make that part of my life be repeatedly over the years.  Running has an allure that I've never been able to shake.

Maybe its just that running isn't meant to be my thing?  Could be, but I doubt it.  I really believe my thing can be whatever I want it to be.  My problem isn't that I haven't chosen the right activity, it's that I choose everything else over that activity too often.  I lack that drive, that motivation, that determination.  And I think, when I really dig down deep to the core of the issue, I lack that love for myself, that confidence in myself, to think that I deserve to have something just for me.  Now there's something to think about...

Just Write

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